Big Box Blog #1

This isn't my first big box job. The big boxes are where the jobs are; they pay for mine and my husband's tuition and I'm not apologizing for where I work. I'm good at my job and I don't let it eat my soul.

That being said, I see over 1000 people every day. I have conversations with the lovely public and HI-larious things happen. This week's highlights are coming at you.

1. A contractor came in with his 10 year old son. The son had kickass Bay City Roller hair and I told him so. His eyes slid away and he mumbled "mmmmkay" like a proud pre-teen. His father leaned across my desk and leered at me and said, "Now son, when a lady like this gives you a compliment like that, you got to pay attention." The he drops me a wink that portends many decades to come of being a dirty old man and they mercifully leave.

2. Three emo-tastic kids came in and bought a small everyday object. I don't know if you've all noticed, but everyday objects are being styled in increasingly individualistic ways. So, this object was hot pink and studded with rhinestones. I asked if that was all he needed and he tossed his dyed black flatironed hair out of his disaffected face, straightened his "I wasn't even born when the lead singer of this band died" tshirt and said, "You know, a lot of guys like pink. Pink is really versatile, it's like something new and different. Pink is the new black." To which I replied, "No, kiddo. Irony is the new black." Punctured, he left the store.

3. Two gentlemen approached my desk. One was short, fat, bald, and old. The other was rail-thin, exceedingly tall, and young. Young Guy said he was buying. Old Guy said, "You always have to pay, 'cause you're the tallest. I get stuff for free because I'm handsome." I studied them both for a second. Then I said, "Hey, Handsome? Your shirt is unbuttoned." He looked down and feigned buttoning it for a moment, then thought better of it and ripped his shirt open to flash me his hairy old fat man belly. I stared in horror. Young Guy looked down, rolled his eyes and said, "Your taco meat is fucking HOT."

WARNING: For those of you who don't live in Hemet, let me break it down for you. Hemet is a desert retirement community full of older folks with varying degrees of mobility issues. Consequently, we see people using scooters as though they are cars, modifying them to look like motorcycles, and generally pimping them out to monstrous proportions. Now, I would never make fun of a person who needs help getting around. It is only when they become a menace to traffic or decent society that I would say a thing. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Scooter as Towtruck.

4. One of my co-workers and I were talking the other day, when suddenly she became preoccupied with something happening behind me. Her face contorted and she said, seemingly out of nowhere, "What the HELL is that??!?!?" I turned around and saw one of our oldest, fattest, meanest customers yelling at a store manager because we don't carry a product line that has NOTHING to do with what we sell. Confused, I continued to watch. When Mean Old Fat Man was done yelling, he turned his power scooter on and executed a U turn. As soon as he turned around, I could see that tied crudely to the back of the scooter was a wagon. Piled into this wagon, with lumps of ass falling out over the sides was a wreck of humanity I could only assume was his wife. I'm not sure what else would convince a woman to ride around tied to the back of a man's scooter besides legal entanglement and holy matrimony.

Ahh, retail...